I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
