to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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