Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
