he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
