So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
