i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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