How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
