Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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