I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
