Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
