so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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