I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
