I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I party with great urgency now.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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