I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
