I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
