good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
me + whiskey = a bad person
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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