so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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