i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
