Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
