Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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