I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
