In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
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