I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
i think i just lost a toe
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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