it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
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Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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