You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
