Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
