I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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