I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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