broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
