Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
