I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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