we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
