Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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