I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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