I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The air was thick with penises
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
