JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
