Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just high enough for therapy.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Randomize
