You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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