Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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