Where did you get a picture of my penis
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
