Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
