Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Randomize
