My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
