My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
