My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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