The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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