I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
