More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
