Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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