kristin has been a bad kristin
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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