A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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