did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
