my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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