I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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