i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
