Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
