I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
