Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
