and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
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