he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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