i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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