I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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