Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Boobs speak an international language.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
