My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
